What to say, what to say ... (21:17 Jun. 17)
I occasionally am asked the question "How do you hold it together?" - it of course being my sanity, my brain, whatever else. No idea, folks. Seems like you can keep on moving or you can curl up and die. Has been a pretty straightforward choice ... most of the time.
Updates on my end. Dunno where to even start, been pretty much on auto-pilot since the end of January. Limbo is a pretty awful place to be, but I think I may actually be seeing some light. Finished spending way too much money on remodeling my house, finally making it into a place where I can cook and sleep and be without feeling like I'm just visiting. Been trying to re-invest some time in music, in photography, in cooking. Find something just about every day to miss about my mother and father, one of the emptiest feelings I think any person can have, that stab when you remember you're not going to share anything else with them.
Balancing all that has been a new friend who's shared a lot of my time and space, been there day and night, and has helped me in ways she probably doesn't even know about. Quite a learning experience for me.
Dammit. (18:15 Mar. 3)
For those of you who don't know yet, not quite a year after my father passed, we lost my mother to cancer. Even with a year of preparation, it hurts worse than just about anything I've gone through. My mother was a brilliant, inspiring woman who along with my father taught me how to be. My only consolation at this point is that I talked to her every single day last year, without fail. I only hope that I was at least a fraction of the friend and supporter for her that she was for me, even as she battled the loss of her husband of 38 years and the evil that is cancer. I have no faith in a god or heaven, but I hope that there is some place that she and my father are together, or at least beyond pain. They will live on for us until the day we die.
Don't look up, the sky is not falling ... (2:30 Nov. 22)
SO. I used to talk shit about 1997 being the year I'd look back on whenever I thought things were hairy. 2009 has taken that particular position with a vengeance. To counter the hellacious bad that has gone on this year, I have found some pretty amazing friends, reconnected with my family, and made quite a bit of progress in my current profession. Has made for a pretty intense roller-coaster to say the least.
Oy. Vey. (10:25 Jun. 23)
Just a short note to let the people who trip across this site occasionally know that I am still actually alive. The tests I'm undergoing right now, along with all of the people that I know and love, are beyond anything any of us have ever faced. Without my family and friends I would have given up long ago. This space of time is a dark treacherous tunnel that I'll be navigating, holding the hands of those that I love so we can keep each other together until the faint light we see far ahead is closer.
Is this thing on ... ? (09:24 Apr. 26)
To say that life has intervened might be one of the more simplistic statements I could make. Been involved in complications both self-inflicted and otherwise for the last three months, and nothing is really much simpler for all that.
Still working for the Man, still getting divorced, still wrangling with smog, traffic, and teenage children. A very bright spot in my life unfortunately dimmed a bit recently, and I'm balancing hope that it will return against the possibility that it won't. There are occasions when my heart and brain feel like one of those beat-to-shit soccer balls you see abandoned in the corner of the elementary school yard. Sadly a lot of the scuffs and tears on them are self-inflicted.
I'm going to miss you, Dad (17:59 Jan. 30)
Our family lost my father today. I know looking at this picture how I'm going to remember him. I can only hope he knows how much his guidance, his strength, and his love meant to all of us.